Mom life. I can officially say it’s been one year since I became a mommy. Has it always been great? F to the no. Would I do it all over again? In a heart beat. I can’t begin to describe the immense amount of joy my son had brought to my life, but boy does knows how to be a pain in the butt along the way. He still knows, and probably always will know, just how to push my buttons. Basically, this is my one year update and experience as a first time stay-at-home mom. ♥
MOM LIFE BEGAN
Where should we start . . . At the beginning I suppose. My son was born premature at 35.5 weeks. He wanted out. I’m not the largest person, so doctors assured me that sometimes babies do better outside of the womb. They were right. He just outgrew my belly quicker than expected. He was perfect, his only issue was a little bit of jaundice, which went away before we were discharged. Now he has grown to be the cutest little baby boy I have ever seen. I’m not just saying that because he is mine, he really is cute, so cute people give me looks and probably wonder if he is mine. (He is by the way, I pushed every inch of that boy.)
Once he was born, my fears began. Fearing if he was healthy enough to come home with me or would I have to leave him in the NICU. The thought of having to leave the hospital without my brand new tiny beautiful baby boy had me bawling. Thankfully, he was cleared with a full bill of health and new fears sank in. Holy shit, they are going to let me take this tiny 5 pound baby home with me? What if I can’t do it or he gets hurt? Will he cry non-stop? What if he starves! I was scared out of my freakin’ mind but there was no going back.
THE FIRST NIGHT
The first night I slept in the living room with him in his bassinet. I don’t know why I slept in the living room, I could have easily placed the bassinet in the bedroom and at least slept in a bed. I was just so scared that anything would happen to my new baby that I didn’t allow myself to fall into a deep sleep. SIDS freaked me out and I spent many nights reading articles, blog post and forums on the subject; what to do, what not to do, the perfect room temperature for babies, you name it. My doctors placed me on a “no google” prescriptions and to handle one day at a time. After 6 months of being paranoid, I finally took that advice. I threw the baby manual out the window. I realized that I had to do what was best of my baby and me. That I my main advice to new moms – do what you want.
There were easy moments and then there were the hard ones. I won’t lie, I got sad. So sad, I didn’t even know how bad it was until down the line. Just a few weeks ago I began reading articles on postpartum, blog post, and many different mom instagram influencers, and that is when I realized I may have had some form postpartum depression. Every women is different and the way that they handle it differs too. Don’t feel ashamed or alone.
Postpartum Depression is such a taboo phrase, at least I seem to think so. Even considering that I could have had a mild form of postpartum depression baffles me. I was in denial and ashamed to even think about it. I am okay now, and have been for months but it was only until recently that I even realized that was I was going through was postpartum depression. At first I put it off as stress, the baby blues, first time mom syndrome. My son born premature, 35.5 weeks, so I thought my hormones must just be going bonkers right now. No big deal, right? That is what I was hoping. Id feel this way for a a few days or weeks and it would be gone. Nope, didn’t work that way.
SADNESS AND ANGER
I do want to mention that I never once thought of hurting myself, my son or my family. But what I did feel was sadness, uselessness, the thought that I wasn’t good enough. All I kept thinking was, “I’m not a good mom”, “Im useless”, “I can’t even do that right”, and most of the time I didn’t understand why I thought that. Anything would set me off, if the baby didn’t sleep on time, if he didn’t sleep enough, if I couldn’t get a work-out in, or if dinner wasn’t extravagant enough. All of my new duties and responsibilities were slowly and quietly tearing me apart. I had two moods: sad and angry – with moments of bliss when my son would smile and prefer me over anyone else.
The sadness I could deal with. A few moments of crying and I could pick myself back up and continue with my day. It was when I got angry that it began to affect my daily life, especially with my partner. I was so angry that I was angry and I was upset that he didn’t understand me. Why would he, I never mentioned what I was feeling, and now I know that was a mistake. What was he seeing on his end? A total bitch who was taking my days and frustration out on him when we were both going through this life changing experience. Now I get it, but back then I didn’t. Before I knew it I began expressing some of that anger by breaking or throwing things.
I kicked my kitchen cabinet door once; threw a lotion bottle, my purse, the car keys – basically anything I could reach. My body would get this urge to want to release the anger and it resulted in making a huge mess and getting into a fight. Followed by a whole lot of crying because I didn’t know why I felt the need to do that.
MY MISTAKE AND DENIAL
The worst mistake I made in all this? Probably never admitting it to myself or my partner. I didn’t know how to explain what I was feelings, so that led to more fights and misunderstandings. I was lucky and as my son got easier to deal with, I became more confident, and those feelings started to fade away on their own. I was able to push through the days and not allow the tiniest little thing to bother me. Would I recommend my path to anyone? No. I think I got lucky and I had a slightly higher form than the baby blues, but not everyone is as lucky. And as women, I think, we shouldn’t be afraid that we will be judged. I know most of my worries were, ” Are people are going to think I can’t do this”. Would they want to come live with me? What if they want to take my son away? The truth is, all people want to do is help. It’s just hard as a new mom to accept it. But take the help. See the doctors. Talk it out. Sometimes a little release is all we need, but medicine doesn’t hurt either if necessary.
As for what triggered it? Honestly, I have no idea and I don’t think any women does. If I had to guess and give one reason – the fact that my son was premature. He came without me really preparing mentally, but mainly I thought, “I wasn’t even good enough to carry him to full term and give him the chance to be as healthy as possible”. From that moment on, I just didn’t feel the same. Things still aren’t easy. I still get frustrated, I cry, and I get overwhelmed, but at least now I’m not throwing anything. I’d call that a win.
Even with all the changes I went through with my body and attitude, this experience has changed my life for the better. Now that the first year is done, I look forward to new obstacles — we are currently working on walking, soon talking, the dreaded body training and hopefully bring an end to co-sleeping.
But what I’m mostly looking forward to are the new memories. The vacations, the holidays, Santa Clause cookie making, Disneyland, pumpkin patches, trick-o-treating, you name it, I want to do it all. I want to spend ridiculous amounts of time and money at the dollar store, Michaels, and Hobby Lobby searching for the best house decorations. I want to fuss and complain while I put them up and take them down, only to remember while I’m doing it the face my son had and how much happiness it brought him.
Somehow all the issues throughout my entire pregnancy, through my denial of postpartum depression, through the sleepless nights, and everything else, just doesn’t seem to matter anymore. No one tells you how shitty pregnancy and being a mom at first really is, but you also can’t explain how effin’ amazing it feels at the same time. You have to experience it for yourself. There aren’t enough adjectives in the world to describe the feeling of being a mom. You’re just going to have to get pregnant. 🙂
It wasn’t always this easy for me to be open about my feelings, let alone writing a blog post about it, but I have found this hobby therapeutic. I have lightly shared some experiences along the way in some of my other posts: 5 Tips That Helped Me Transition into Motherhood; Tales of a New Momma – My Morning Routine; How I Lost 45 lbs of Post-Baby Weight; How My Beauty Regime Changed Once I became A Momma.
But for the most part I partake in cooking and baking. You could say it is a passion of mine, although I have many, I have very little time to actually practice them. I’m just a normal first time mom who isn’t perfect and takes all her recipe photos on her iPhone.
If you found any of this helpful, interesting or if it provided any positive feelings at all, well you might as well follow me! I share tons of yummy authentic Mexican recipes too! Along with other delicious dishes! Go! Instagram, Pinterest, Facebook and Twitter (I keep saying twitter is a work in progress – I gotta actually work on it. Yikes!)